So, it's pretty evident from all the people running in our neighborhood that it's a new year yet again. Well, I've decided not to make resolutions this year because it's essentially setting yourself up to feel shitty a few months from now (if not sooner, if you have no attention span and/or willpower like, say, oh, I don't know, ME).
You - "I'm going to lose 30 pounds in a month and only drink every other Saturday and pay off my credit card debt!!"
Me - "Pass me a doughnut, jerkface. I need something to dip in my wine while I buy crap on eBay."
I am kind of bored, though, because no one will pay me to write anything - partly because there are no jobs out there and partly because, to be fairly honest, I'm probably not that good at it. And, somehow, despite having a functioning cerebral cortex (I finally got to use something I learned in college!), I can't come up with one good idea for a spec (that's a screenplay you write on speculation hoping someone might pay for it eventually - aka a waste of a few solid months of work).
Seriously, try it out, folks. Think up an original story. Make it exciting and big. "Well, I could do one about this guy who gets bit by a spider and gets magical pow-- oh. Okay, how about a comedy about these guys that go to Vegas for a bachelor party then wake up and they can't remem-- hmm." Hard, isn't it? So what's a lazy, idea-less writer to do? Other than the Star magazine crossword puzzle/Sudoku section?
Maybe I will make some resolutions. It's a new year and I need to start fresh. Get focused. Take charge of my life. Here goes...
- I resolve to have my weight wildly yo-yo and employ at least one stupidly restrictive crash diet in 2010.
- I resolve to spend a large portion of my time playing video games and/or watching horrible TV shows instead of doing something productive. (Jersey Shore, anyone?)
- I resolve to be ridiculously easily distracted from any attempt at actual work.
- I resolve to make brash impulsive purchases that I don't need and/or won't ever use. ("That humidifier looks like a pig! I MUST HAVE IT.")
- I resolve to not intentionally rape or murder anyone. Unless they really deserve it.
It's going to be hard, but I'm summoning all my fortitude to make these resolutions happen.
Yeah, I'm like those dicks who give up spinach for Lent. And I feel good about it.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
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