Day Two
Hours Driven: 6.5
Current Location: Southaven, Mississippi
Is anyone watching this "Fashion Rocks" bullshit on CBS? I just turned on the TV to see an Asian man decked out in silver face paint dancing behind Chris Brown, who, of course, is dance-jumping on trampolines. What the hell? Even the title sucks. It sounds like it should be followed by an exclamation point and proclaimed by a 12-year old girl during a commercial for Barbie clothes.
I got to Memphis around 4:30 (sounds like the first line of one of the many country songs that come up on the scanner before it lands on the one "rock" station in Tennessee, which is inevitably playing Rush), just in time to join the crowd gathering around the fountain inside the Peabody Hotel for their nightly march of the ducks. Yes, I sped relentlessly for this. Here's the scoop on what I'm referring to: http://www.peabodymemphis.com/peabody_ducks/ .
Every morning these ducks march from the elevator and into a fountain, then at night, they march back into the elevator. This is done while dramatic music plays and a huge crowd oohs and aahs and pushes me violently out of the way so they can get a better
photo for their gay-ass scrapbook collection. Yeah, that whole stereotype that Southerners are all friendly and polite is bull. The "belles" around me were so totally hardcore whilst jockeying for best duck-watching position that I missed most of the "processional". And I am not small - it takes a lot of force to displace my giant mass. Inertia. A fat body at rest wants to stay at rest. But apparently ducks are like PCP for these people, they get superhuman strength and lose all sanity when faced with fowl. So the whole duck experience was a bit of a letdown after a full day of anticipation. Whatever, I had ribs to eat.
My next destination was across the street and down a sketchy alley which looks like a great spot to be mugged and/or stabbed. Luckily I just got catcalled (because I have a big ass and guys outside BBQ restaurants seem to dig that). Charles Vergos Rendezvous is known for having the best dry-rubbed ribs in Memphis. I had never had a dry-rubbed rib (that's totally a sexual euphemism - for what, I don't know, but I would guess something painful and/or bloody) and again, I was disappointed. The ribs were chewy as shit and not very good. Screw you, Memphis. You're a cold mistress, slowly dashing my hopes and dreams one by one.
Tomorrow I go to Graceland. If that's awful, I'm going to slap a crazy Elvis fan out of sheer frustration. I'll be like "You all shook up now?! Come on teddy bear, it's now or never! I'm a hard headed woman! I'll do the jailhouse rock! You're headed for heartbreak hotel, bitch! God, that was terrible. Terribly AWESOME.
Hours Driven: 6.5
Current Location: Southaven, Mississippi
Is anyone watching this "Fashion Rocks" bullshit on CBS? I just turned on the TV to see an Asian man decked out in silver face paint dancing behind Chris Brown, who, of course, is dance-jumping on trampolines. What the hell? Even the title sucks. It sounds like it should be followed by an exclamation point and proclaimed by a 12-year old girl during a commercial for Barbie clothes.
I got to Memphis around 4:30 (sounds like the first line of one of the many country songs that come up on the scanner before it lands on the one "rock" station in Tennessee, which is inevitably playing Rush), just in time to join the crowd gathering around the fountain inside the Peabody Hotel for their nightly march of the ducks. Yes, I sped relentlessly for this. Here's the scoop on what I'm referring to: http://www.peabodymemphis.com/peabody_ducks/ .
Every morning these ducks march from the elevator and into a fountain, then at night, they march back into the elevator. This is done while dramatic music plays and a huge crowd oohs and aahs and pushes me violently out of the way so they can get a better
photo for their gay-ass scrapbook collection. Yeah, that whole stereotype that Southerners are all friendly and polite is bull. The "belles" around me were so totally hardcore whilst jockeying for best duck-watching position that I missed most of the "processional". And I am not small - it takes a lot of force to displace my giant mass. Inertia. A fat body at rest wants to stay at rest. But apparently ducks are like PCP for these people, they get superhuman strength and lose all sanity when faced with fowl. So the whole duck experience was a bit of a letdown after a full day of anticipation. Whatever, I had ribs to eat.My next destination was across the street and down a sketchy alley which looks like a great spot to be mugged and/or stabbed. Luckily I just got catcalled (because I have a big ass and guys outside BBQ restaurants seem to dig that). Charles Vergos Rendezvous is known for having the best dry-rubbed ribs in Memphis. I had never had a dry-rubbed rib (that's totally a sexual euphemism - for what, I don't know, but I would guess something painful and/or bloody) and again, I was disappointed. The ribs were chewy as shit and not very good. Screw you, Memphis. You're a cold mistress, slowly dashing my hopes and dreams one by one.
Tomorrow I go to Graceland. If that's awful, I'm going to slap a crazy Elvis fan out of sheer frustration. I'll be like "You all shook up now?! Come on teddy bear, it's now or never! I'm a hard headed woman! I'll do the jailhouse rock! You're headed for heartbreak hotel, bitch! God, that was terrible. Terribly AWESOME.
6 comments:
Every so often there these times when I'm reminded how lucky I am to be married to you. Like our wedding night, this was not one of those times.
I TOTALLY feel lucky to be married to you... especially now...
How much time did you spend at those gas stations??? Thats all I want to know
And I am not small - it takes a lot of force to displace my giant mass. Inertia. A fat body at rest wants to stay at rest.
I can definitely validate the above statement from the one time when I tried to check you during floor hockey.
To be fair, you weighed 97 pounds, tops. With boots on.
As opposed to the 102 pounds he weighs today. And most of that weight is just semen he no longer masturbates out 3 times a day to the same song.
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